Dear, Americans

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July 25, 2016 by brycebwillis

It has been a while since I last graced you with my patriotic prose. To be honest…can I be honest? I’ve been a bit salty. A bit TO’d about something in particular. OK, I was really upset at what you did to Mitt in 2012. Yeah, don’t think I didn’t notice how some of you lefty losers wouldn’t allow a strong yet sensual America lover into the Oval Office. A man with the prestige of a soaring bald eagle, and the tenacity of anti-LGBTQ rhetoric in an all Republican Congress. For Pete’s sake, the man was virtually the second coming of George W. (Bush that is).  I’m just gonna call a spade a spade. You rigged it! Voter fraud was so rampant, even the votes of African American’s were being counted.  I may not be a big fan of them, but these numbers don’t lie. 47 percent is not enough to win the election! Now look at ya. Look at the mess you’ve made! Eight years deep into Barack Hussein’s reign of pain and infrastructure is crumbling. White people have all been stripped of their privileges, Gays can marry, and dudes can go number two next to our women at Target! I expected this from Wal Mart in Canada, but Target in America?! Never in my wildest dreams would I have called that one. I don’t usually curse, because it is a sin, but, WHAT THE FUCK, Americans. Our freedom is collapsing, black people want more free stuff, homeless people are destroying what is left of our economy, but the real problem is your weird neighbor, who wears his mom’s clothes when no one is around, being able to sit down and tinkle in the ladies room!? Really?! What do you have to say for yourselves? If you bring up facts, I swear on baby Jesus in his holy manger, I will join this Tea Party!

Now that I have got that off my chest, lets be positive. After all, nothing says Christian Conservative values like level headedness and composure in times of absolute pseudo- crisis. I have decided to give y’all a second chance. I know, I know. God bless me! What a forgiving and merciful country you belong to. Don’t worry, the coffer will be passed around shortly. Lucky for you, the Republican party had no shortage of talent this year. This second chance is gonna be huge. Tremendous, really. Where Mitt had binders, this hero has words… the best words. Where Mitt had magical underpants, this man has his own line of hand knit boxers infused with the sweat and tears of starving, 9-year-old Mexican Children. He even has slightly larger than average hands for his size. Come on… you all know what that means. This man speaks loudly, and carries a big, red, white and blue stick to shoo illegals back to Tijuana. By now you must know the man I speak of is Donald J. Trump. Don’t mess this up for us, Americans. We’ll be in touch.

God Bless,

America.

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