Dear Mr. Ben Ghazi,

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November 24, 2012 by brycebwillis

I have heard a lot about you lately in the news. After hours of in-depth Fox News analysis, Sarah Palin and I have come to the conclusion you are responsible for the death of American Ambassador to Libya, Christopher Stevens.

Now Mr. Ghazi, I will be the first to say that I know you are an American. Yeah, nice try, Ben. I am pretty sure I have never heard of an Arab with the first name “Ben” and I doubt you are the first exception. You are the sole reason the Patriot Act was passed by President Bush and this just adds to the massive list of his accomplishments.

You obviously did not see “The Expendables 2.” It just came out on DVD in America, and let me tell you, you would not be messing with me if you realized that movie is based on true events.

You think killing our ambassadors is funny? Tell that to a 66-year-old, juiced-up Sylvester Stallone. If you have ever seen his movie “Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot,” you know that Sly is not a funny guy, and I have seen him brutally murder someone for worse jokes.

How could you betray me, Ben? Have you not seen my purple mountains majesty? Were you never able to start your own monopolistic corporation bent on monumental profits and firing underpaid workers? Most people would kill to have those opportunities. Instead, you kill for the sake of terrorism. I just do not understand your treachery.

The next thing I want to know is, what is your affiliation with the recent CIA sex scandal? Fox News has been talking about former CIA Director David Petraeus and how he needs to testify about you. Are you “Agent shirtless?” If so, why in the world do you not have nipples? Is nipple removal one of Al Qaeda’s initiation practices? Overall, I am very confused about your association with the event and hope you were having sex with Jill Kelly, because you probably have a sexually transmitted disease now and we may not have to spend trillions to hunt you down.

The final statement I have for you is from Liam Neeson. As it turns out, Neeson is pretty jacked up about you, too.

“Hey Ben, I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have is a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you step forward, that’ll be the end of it. I will not have to look for you, I will not need to pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

-Liam Neeson

May God — or Zeus in this case — have mercy on your soul.

God Bless,

America

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