October 17, 2012 by brycebwillis
This is the real America. You’ve put me in a sticky situation here. I like to pride myself on being bipartisan, but this is where I need to draw the line.
I see what you’re doing with the news. Don’t play dumb with me! I let you have Anderson Cooper who, to be frank, was a Marlboro man of a man. I shrugged off the freshly un-closeted Cooper like a Gucci scarf in the spring time, but this week when you lashed your big gay rainbow claw out and snared “The Champ,” Sam Champion, I had had enough of your ways.
Although both instances were shocking to me, “The Champ” is untouchable. I mean, how could a handsome and charismatic man, such as himself, switch jerseys on me like that? We were friends! He told me about the weather every morning, and I believed him.
It got me thinking, what could be causing this outbreak of homosexuality? I thought for a moment, but it hit me in less than a moment, Barack Hussein Obama.
Obama is trying to brainwash the entire country by forcing various news anchors to be gay. Shocking? No, but what did you expect from a lowlife like Obama? These anchors are not legitimately gay, rather, forcibly gay. This proves Obama will do whatever it takes to turn this country into a colonial society of Gay Muslim Socialists.
What better way to enslave the minds of the masses than through television? Thank God for Fox News keeping it fair, balanced and heterosexual.
And why Gays you ask? Lets be real here, straights have been ruling you people around for centuries. I am not trying to be insensitive, but the facts tell us this is how it goes.
In addition to gays being naturally more submissive creatures, history shows us gayness leads to the crumbling of empires. Look at the Athenian empire. Homosexuality was a big part of their society and then they fell. The British Empire had Elton John, and now they’re history. Don’t let America become a candle in the wind.
Now, how can Gays help stop this country from becoming a hybrid demon of Karl Marx, Osama Bin Laden and Rachel Maddow? The answer is a two pronged approach supported by Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. First, stop being Gay. Whenever you get man urges, pick up a Bible and beat those carnal cravings with Christ. Second, elect Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, and I will tell you the second then. I promise to tell you later. It would be no fun if I disclosed all of the juicy details of an extremely important issue to the public prior to having them elected. This offers incentives to the public, plus It is just a bunch of math anyways.
P.S. I knew climate change was a hoax.