Dear Big Bird,

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October 10, 2012 by brycebwillis

First off I want to say, like Mitt, I am a big fan. I think you have a talent that puts you miles above any other birds.

I have seen many-a-bird whistle the Andy Griffith theme song on Youtube, but never have I seen one teach a majority of God fearing young Americans how to count or speak. It is a phenomenal talent, Mr. Bird. I can not stress that enough.

Your skill set has got me scheming. I know you really enjoy Sesame Street and all, but I feel like you’re a big fish in a little pond there. There seem to be a lot of folks there who do not have my best interests at the forefront of their crowd pleasing agendas.

That Oscar the grouch character is homeless and constantly asking for handouts. We get it, he lives in a trash can, but maybe he should take some personal responsibility and stop acting like such a victim. And that Elmo guy gives me the creeps. He likes to be tickled way too much. Lets be honest, he was a Sean Penn meltdown away from landing the lead role in “Milk,” if you catch my drift.

What I am trying to say here is we want to get rid of your T.V. show, but we would like you to make it big on Wall Street. It’s a street still, and you get to see homeless guys in trash cans occasionally. With your skills with numbers, you could be making 10 times what you make now.

You will be fired, but think of it as a promotion.

God Bless,
America

P.S. I loved your spot on Fox News the other day.

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